Is It Over?

It's Tuesday, and I'm sitting in my bed typing this at 1:53 p.m. I have a shitload of work sitting on my desk, but I can't focus. I want to see FB, but I think he's avoiding me. So much has happened...

I now have a husband who is desperate to keep me. He cries, he confesses, he praises, he waits.

"I feel like for the past 14 years I've been trying to murder the parts of you I didn't like."

You mean the parts that are fun and sexy and powerful? Those parts? Damn right, you have!

"Will you teach me how to dance? I want to be able to take you out dancing and not feel uncomfortable."

Um, okay. Why don't we just go and watch people dance first, so you won't feel pressured?

"I'm praying that God will tear out the part of my heart that is hard and afraid to be vulnerable."

Gees, who could ask for more than that?

The man dropped 20 lbs. while I was at my conference. Granted, that was because he was so jacked up on anxious adrenaline that he stopped eating...but he's eating again and has still dropped a few more pounds since.

He's wearing smaller pants and shirts that fit. For fuck sake, he's even putting conditioner on his goatee so that it doesn't hurt my face when we kiss!

So why do I still want FB? The other night, I was awake at 1:00 a.m. ruminating. I finally just said his name over and over and over, thinking that maybe I would hit a saturation point and be done with it.

Feelings are fickle. I got drunk with power, thinking that FB wanted me as much as I wanted him. That he would miss me when I'm gone.

But there's no evidence of that.

But there's no evidence to completely disprove it, either (hope springs eternal - what an idiot I am!) Last Friday after our networking meeting, he tell me that Hubby "harassed" him while I was at the conference. Turns out, Hubby sent him a pathetic, psycho email during that week asking him to tell him, man to man, "how far did it go?". All I can do is look at FB with dumb disbelief and ask are you fucking kidding me? I walk away from him in a daze.

I had sent him a text from the conference that went solo. I sent him a text about his business earlier last week that also hung in midair. So I call him later on Friday, ready to apologize for my paranoid, neurotic husband. He says, "Can I call you back? I can't talk now." I say sure, and go for a run with phone in hand. (I do love to listen to Pandora while I run.)

Of course he calls back after my run when I'm sitting in the kitchen with my sitter and kid. I say I just wanted to say I'm sorry. But I can't say anymore. I can't ask if he thinks I'm just not worth it anymore. I can't tell him that I'm probably willing to live recklessly if I know that I haven't fucked him for the last time.

This weekend, I'm working on the computer. I send an email asking if we can do a networking 1:1 meeting over coffee or lunch. I want his help with invitations to an event we're cohosting with 4 other people. No response. So I send a text yesterday. He says, "Haven't had a chance to check my schedule." Really?

Today, my 2:00 1:1 meeting gets canceled, so I send a text that I have the afternoon open. The response is, "Can't meet this week. Sorry."

Damn! So it's like that ;)

Sorry. Busy.

I know.

Now...sure seems like I'm not on the A-list anymore. Where do I go from here? Hubby wants me, FB doesn't seem to give a rat's ass anymore. What do I want from FB anyway?

The body, of course. So fun to touch, hold, fuck.
The validation that I'm wantable. (Why? I already know that...)
The escape from a relationship that is stressed and heavy.

Yeah, that sounds about right.