The Brazilian Wax

I swear that my working out and having an affair are unrelated and coincidental. I will be at a sales conference next week. I decide 5 weeks ago that I am tired of being 10 lbs overweight. So the sales conference is my short-term goal.

In the last month, I've lost 5 lbs and I've gotten into most of the pants that were too tight in June. The first time I had sex with FB was about 2 weeks ago, so by then I'm already feeling sexier and looking better. I decide to do something I've never done: get a brazilian wax.

I send FB a text asking if bikini or brazilian is better (knowing full well what he will say - he's bald! And not Telly Savalas bald. I'm talking Jason Taylor, Andre Agassi bald - soooo sexy!)

Then I have to decide which torture chamber to patronize. I certainly don't want to go where I've had my hair cut for the last 15 years! And it's not the kind of thing I would call another mom about. "So Janie, know where I can get my crotch waxed? And are Billy and Stevie still on for the playdate tomorrow?"

I google "best brazilian wax in [city]" and actually get to read reviews of 2 places that a lot of people seem to like. I call one Monday, and make my appointment for Wednesday. But I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so excited! So I ditch my Tuesday networking event early. As I walk back to my car at 11:30, I call the spa and ask, "Do you still have that noon appointment open today? I thought I couldn't make it, but I can now." Off I go - literally.

Hunter is a sugary sweet, friendly girl in her early 20's. She asks if it's my first time (brazilian virgin - probably the only virginity I have left.) She asks if I'm nervous, "Only because of the mess you're going to have to deal with," I reply. She giggles and tells me to undress from the waist down, lie on the table, and "cover up with this" as she hands me a hot pink washcloth about the size of...well, a washcloth.

Now, I ask you, why would I cover my hairy self with a washcloth when she's just gonna come back in and take it off to do her job? Yet I obediently cover.

Hunter: Now the first thing I'm going to do is put your legs in a position called The Frog [giggle].

How cute! Oh right, this is where the washcloth comes off...She bends my legs out and open.

Ouch a little, ouch a little, ouch, OUCH, ouch.

Hunter: You are doing so well! [giggle] And you are SO lucky because you don't have a lot of hair on your labia. That part hurts the most.

Who KNEW?? I tell her that I am delighted to have it so easy...

Hunter: You do want to do around your butt, too, right?

Um...I nod.

Hunter: Okay, for this part, you need to get into a position called the Cannonball [giggle].

Great. Now I'm getting flashbacks of labor and delivery.

But the cannonball is over quickly, and I am free to rerobe and go. I'm told that I have "a little bit of hystamine going on," and that it will fade in a few hours. What that means is that each of the now empty hair follicles has gotten so swollen, they blend together into a puffy pink mess.

My parting gift is a ziplock baggie with instructions, a neon green exfoliating glove, and a box of Dots candy. You know that as soon as I walk through my front door, my kids promptly relieve me of the Dots. From my brazilian wax. For my lover. Weird.