The Single Plan

Maybe it's not that crazy...

Rentals are down. I could get a 3-month lease on an apartment and furnish it with my staging furniture (did I mention that my second business is home staging?)

That would give me time to have some space. I truly believe that if I had space, I would want to come back to my husband. It would allow all of the annoyances to play backfiddle to the strengths that he has: loyalty, faith, intelligence, practicality.

I do want to want him. I don't want to be divorced and lonely. I don't want to be like my mom and live for 40 years without a man that I adore (funnily enough, she has one now at age 65!)

Sitter, Hubby, and Mom could handle kids on a daily basis. I could plan to be there after school to get in quality time. And we could do the every-other-weekend scenario.

SHIT - I can't believe I'm advocating this fucked up lifestyle! I have a friend who divorced her husband when her kids were 3, 5, and 8. I love hearing about her dating exploits, but, up until 6 weeks ago, I used to thank God above that I didn't have her life. What is wrong with me??

I just keep thinking about the freedom and how great I would feel about myself and about work. But would I feel great about myself? Or would I feel like the loser mom who abandoned her kids?

You know how most people live together before they get married? Well, this would be like trying on divorce before actually doing it. Then again, isn't that what legal separation is? A trial divorce?

And I would be gambling that I would want to come home.

What's that cheesy 70's saying? "If you love something, set it free..."

How can the thought of this apartment feel like heaven and hell simultaneously?

Single Ideation

If you've ever taken Psych 101, (or if you've ever attended high school), you've probably heard of suicidal ideation. Basically, if you think someone is suicidal, you ask them questions to determine how serious they are about following through. If they have done things like giving away prized items, planned what they will use and where they will be, they are a lot more serious than the blubbering spoiled 14 year-old who whines about how everyone would be a lot better off without her.

The weak analogy I'm drawing here, is that I think I'm having single ideation. I've escaped to our family vacation home (don't get all snotty, it's a cottage on a river - no heliport, no domestic staff, not even central air), and after 3 glasses of champagne, I'm indulging in the fantasy of being single.

What would it look like? I would want a small, but fabulously decorated apartment in town. I'd need two bedrooms, because the kids would need one.

What? You think I'm cold because I would leave my kids with their dad?

Actually, that's an act of mercy for all concerned. Their dad would make them his world for security and sense of purpose. And my in-laws would go ape-shit if they had to go through me to see the grandkids. No, Hubby is better suited to be a single parent than I am.

Don't misunderstand me, I am a fabulous mother. I worked with kids with special needs for over 10 years before starting my own business. I gave my kids everything they needed for a successful foundation in life. And I will be their mother forever. But Hubby has no identity outside of Dad and husband. If I were to break free, I would want the space - he would crave the security.

So...this apartment...